Why We Practice Dharana

“The mind is like a drunken monkey that has been stung by a thousand scorpions.” ~Vivekananda

Quotation

“When you inhale, you are taking the strength from God.  When you exhale, it represents the service you are giving to the world.”  ~B.K.S. Iyengar

Space (partie deux)

A few quick notes from tonight:

• Not too much going on in the low belly, but more here than in the rib case
• Most movement and space filled is in the upper belly, including the back body to some extent.  Back right side body seems to fill faster in this layer.
• Upper body has the least amount of movement going on, with almost no perceptible movement in the back upper body.
• My breath movement seems to originate at the midline between the navel and sternum and expand out (especially down) from there.

Time, Texture, Space (partie une)

Time

• Even for a small person, my breaths are very short, perhaps less than two seconds per inhale and around two for each exhale.
• As I watch the breath, the exhales get longer.
• As soon as I start watching the breath, it wants to lengthen.  I’ve had to intentionally distract myself and then try to catch myself breathing as I normally do.  In other words, my watched breath is not my usual breath.
• Noticing time of breath during the day, I’m pretty sure I don’t breathe at all.  Short, choppy breaths of less than a second in and out.

Texture

• My breath seems smooth regularly, but while watching it, I make it rougher.
• When I clinch my jaw (which is all the time), the clinching action forces my tongue up into the airway and gives me less room to breathe.  I can only guess that this causes stress, which causes clinching, which causes less fulfilling breathing–a vicious cycle.

Space

• In the low belly, the breath moves at the sides of the navel, but not very much under it.
• In the upper belly, the breath moves a lot in the middle.  This layer has the most movement overall.
• In the rib case, the breath moves more in the lower part of the layer than upper.  Very slight movement here.

Today’s Conclusions

I really don’t breathe very fully or deeply, except when I’m falling asleep, exercising, or meditating.  I’m also concerned in general that I can’t just “breathe normally” while watching the breath.  Watching equals controlling for me.  Finally, I don’t have very positive associations with inhaling.

Injury Timeout

I’ve always kind of wondered about and feared the day that I hurt myself and could not do yoga.  That day arrived on Valentine’s Day this past weekend.  While I was running on a trail during my usual hike, I took a step that did not agree with my foot and felt a sudden sharp pain.  I was about 35 minutes away from the car at the time, so I hiked my way back out of the park.  After a trip to urgent care and a pair of crutches later, I have been diagnosed as having a sprained foot.

I know that this is not the end of the world by any means.  With rest I should make a full recovery.  But for someone who practices asana several times a week, plus hikes, plus throws in the occasional tae bo workout, I am sad about not being able to walk for a while.

My yoga teacher says we should practice our yoga fiercely while we can, because someday something will come along and rob you of your happiness, and you need to be prepared.  I know that this injury is minor compared to what some people go through in their lives, but I still see it as an important opportunity for growth in my yoga practice.

Tonight I decided to go to yin yoga class, and it was very revealing.  I have only done yin yoga a time or two before tonight.  As we slowly released our bodies into the long holds of the poses, I felt several things.  First, I felt grief for my foot.  I have not cried or otherwise been overly emotional about this, but I did experience some sadness tonight for all the fun things I enjoy that I will have to stay away from for a while.  I also felt contentment and a sense of normalcy.  After two days of pain, limping, and hobbling on crutches, it was terrific to move my body in a way that felt completely normal and that was within its current capabilities.  There were many moments of nothingness too, where I was absorbed in the inward folding of the posture and the darkness of the room.  I even had a moment of panic and nausea as my right hip was opening in agni stambhasana… 

Anyway, just wanted to mention all of that.  My pranayama practice with the Rosen book continues as well.  I am mapping the rib cage at current.  More on that after a few more sessions of breathing into my balloon of a torso…

Mapping the Body: Pelvis

In my mapping quest, I have moved onward and upward…quite literally…from the legs to the pelvis.  My last few practices of leg mapping went fine, though I think I am nearly ready to give up on practicing savasana with bent legs.  If savasana is supposed to feel like nothing, then straight legs is where I need to be.  I did read, however, in B.K.S. Iyengar’s book Light on Life today that just because part of the body is falling asleep doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong.  I’ll try to remember that the next time I practice savasana with bent knees.

Mapping the pelvis has been educational.  No matter how many times I look at a picture of the bones of the pelvic girdle, I simply cannot visualize it once I am lying down and bringing my attention to that area.  It seems many of the bones of my pelvis are hidden by flesh and muscle.  Here is what I have been able to glean so far in my mapping.

• The points of my hip bones do not seem to move when I breathe.  This is probably a stupid statement.  (Are those bones capable of moving?  I’m not sure!)  But I do feel the area right inside of that expanding with each breath in.  I’m glad to know my breath is moving in the pelvic region, and not just in the chest.
• My sacrum has been a little sore since doing tae bo the other night.  All that kicking and whatnot seems to wear out the tight muscles around my hips.
• I do vaguely have the sensation of my sacrum rocking back and forth with each breath in and out.  This may simply be energetic rather than actual movement.  My tailbone seems to lift on the inhale and tuck on the exhale.
• When I practiced “nodding” the sacrum back and forth with the breath, I found it extremely relaxing and soothing.
• I don’t seem to have any tension or holding in the pelvic region during savasana.  The groin muscles feel relaxed, I feel good about centering my thigh bones in their sockets, and I don’t sense any unnecessary gripping in the low belly, low back, or glutes.

I plan to do another night or two of mapping the pelvis before moving up to the ribs.  I agree with Rosen that mapping could (and probably should) last you the rest of your life.  If you’re really curious, there is a lot to discover, and the body is constantly changing.

Mapping the Body: Legs

January has come and gone, and I am still going strong with my resolution of starting a pranayama practice.  I did savasana all but three days last month.   I feel completely comfortable lying in corpse for fifteen minutes, so it is now time that I move on to what Rosen calls “mapping the body.”  This is the process by which I can get to know my physical body inside and out before working with the more subtle aspects of breath.  I am not expecting this part to take very long since I’ve been practicing asana for eight years, but I do see it as valuable.

For the past few nights, I’ve been working with the legs.  Rosen recommends experimenting with two versions of a bent-knee corpse.  The first two nights were not comfortable at all.  First I tried a rolled blanket under the knees.  Basically my sacrum and heels fell asleep and the pressure was uncomfortable.  Next I tried a deep bend in the knees with the feet flat on the floor.  Again, my feet and sacrum area felt a lot of pressure.  Both nights I abandoned the practice because I was far more comfortable in a straight leg version.  The third night, however, being trained in the Iyengar style, I decided to innovate.  I took my giant bolster and put it under my knees, and then I propped my feet on the rolled blanket.  This took the pressure off my feet and low back and…actually felt pretty good!  I think I’ll try it again tonight.

As far as my legs go, I am pretty familiar with them.  I have had reconstructive knee surgery and am acutely aware that my right leg is at a weird angle when I bend it.  When it’s straight, it’s fine, but when it bends, it does not match the left, non-surgery leg.  This has made poses like supta virasana extremely difficult for me, because the leg does not bend properly, which puts a ton of pressure on the top of the foot and tweaks my knee.  But I know how to prop it now and have come to terms with the fact that it’s okay for my body not to do those poses fully.  For the most part, my legs do a pretty good job in asana practice and give me no bother.

More mapping on my legs:  I’m extremely tight in the hip creases, as I’ve recently come to realize.  This is why I can’t bring my pelvis all the way up in crescent–when I do, the knee bends.  Poses like natarajasana and bhekasana are also difficult for this reason.  In savasana, though, my heels do seem to lie evenly and equally on the floor, and I don’t feel tension anywhere.

Well, this was going to be just a quick entry, but I guess I have learned a lot about my legs in my years of yoga.  Tonight I will make sure to center the femurs in the hip sockets and watch for tightness in the groins.  Mine are indeed very tight, but they still seem relaxed during savasana.  If another night or two goes smoothly, I will move on to the next body part.

Off to practice now.

Savasana: Day 28

Now that the holidays are over and work is back like Bruce Willis in a Die Hard sequel, I’m forced to come to grips with reality.  In my line of work, people just don’t get very much sleep.  I’ve still been doing my savasana and witnessing practice, but for the month of January, I have missed three days.  All of these misses were due to the fact that I fell asleep that night before I could do my savasana.

I don’t feel so bad about it, though.  I have learned that it’s better to let your body rest than to lie down and sleep through savasana anyway.  As a doctor friend of mine once said, sleep time is never wasted time.

Speaking of which, I should go and do both now—savasana…and then some sweet sleep for my weary self.

Savasana: Day 14

I may not be keeping up with the journaling, but I assure you, I have been practicing my savasana (except last Friday, where I laid down because of my sinuses and ended up falling dead asleep).

Yoga practice sometimes has surprising results that you never expected.   Tonight, while attending a regular Level 2-3 yoga class, I had quite the profound experience, and it seems due in large part to my 13 days of sustained daily savasana practice.

Tonight, the teacher mentioned at the beginning of class that we would be performing a somewhat vigorous practice with a miniature yoga nidra at the end.  For those who don’t know, yoga nidra is known as yogic sleep.  It’s like savasana, only longer, and it’s done in a way where the teacher guides you into a very deep relaxation.  Sounds lovely, right?  Well, I am one of the few people on the planet who despises yoga nidra.  I have long suffered from panic attacks, and I have a hard time relaxing and staying still for that long in a room full of people.  The second to last time I did yoga nidra, I was in a state of panic, digging holes into my palms with my fingernails, the entire time.  The last time I “did” yoga nidra, I asked the teacher to be excused from it and just sat at the back wall.  I wasn’t sure what would happen tonight.

When it came time for yoga nidra, I felt the anxiety beginning to rise.  Our entire practice was based on withdrawing from thought and feeling sensation, and I could definitely feel that sickening wooziness in my stomach.  But I took my time and prepared myself just as I would at home.  I covered up and lay down.  Every time I felt that woozy adrenaline rush start, I just stayed with sensation.  I remembered with my mind and my body what it felt like to be in savasana all these past days at home.  And my body had a much easier time of relaxing into that state.  I noticed a lot of gripping in the throat and left hand, but I was able to let it go.  I was finally able to access that deep state of relaxation that everyone talks about and loves.  Between not buying into what my mind was telling me and simply practicing what I’ve been doing at home, I was able to finish the yoga nidra and feel great when it was over.

I cannot believe how 13 days of savasana has already trained and taught my body how to relax.  I am able to notice tension and let it go.  I was able to invite that witness awareness, too, and cultivate that perspective.  My body could “remember” what it felt like to let go and feel safe.  To be able to say I did yoga nidra is a big step for me as I continue my journey with panic disorder.  13 days of savasana at home for someone in their ninth year of yoga practice, and what an unexpected surprise!

Savasana: Day 6

I am typing this post without my glasses on (I left them on the floor after savasana), so forgive me if there are some typos.

I continue to have trouble finding any sort of meditative state in the mind while in savasana.  My mind is a million miles from where it is when I simply sit up straight on my zafu.  I’ll continue to watch this and practice training my mind that savasana is not the time to have conversations with myself.

Body wise, I started off with a bolster under my knees just for fun, but soon I kicked it out from under my legs and rolled it away.  I think it is simply too big, and my knees were being pulled down by the weight of my feet too much.  My left knee was really uncomfortable, so I went back to straight legs.  My arms were less of a bother tonight.  I had them covered with the blankets, so perhaps they felt less ‘out in space’ and more grounded and even.

Off to bed for now.